Eckhart's Advice on Visiting Family

Dear Eckhart,

I am visiting my family this summer and am finding it very difficult to be the new person I feel I am becoming without drawing too much attention and judgment from them. They want the old me. But that feels as difficult to me as putting on a pair of tight shoes (the old me) and limping around, unhappily and in pain, as they compliment the shoes. (Why don't they seem to be interested in how I am?)

What can I do, Eckhart, to participate as a loving family member, without giving up too much of my new and evolving values? I don't feel a need to preach to them, in fact, I'm very quiet about my inner work. I just don't want to sell my soul or regress into 8-year-old Marnie, just to keep the peace and fit in.

Marnie, Denver, CO

Hello Marnie,

Thank you for your question. You may not be surprised to know that your question (and the answer) are issues of ego. Let's begin by trying to understand your family and their condition.

Most people (and some or even most of your family members fit this description) are largely unaware of their ego and its totalitarian control over every aspect of their life. As long as they are completely unaware of this they take the thinker to be who they are. This is the egoic mind. We call it egoic because there is a sense of self, of I (ego), in every thought – every memory, every interpretation, opinion, viewpoint, reaction, emotion. This is unconsciousness, spiritually speaking. Their thinking, the content of their mind, is of course conditioned by the past: their upbringing, culture, family background, and so on. The central core of all their mind activity consists of certain repetitive and persistent thoughts, emotions, and reactive patterns that they identify with most strongly. This entity is the ego itself.

The ego loves to complain and condemn. These are often two favorite family pastimes when they get together for an extended family visit. One of your jobs, Marnie, is to be aware of when this happens and choose either not to participate in it, to bring the subject to a more positive and meaningful conversation, or to point out the pointlessness of complaining and judging. What you choose will depend on you and what you feel comfortable with.

Your sense of who you are within your family system determines what you perceive as your needs and what matters to you in life – and whatever matters to you will have the power to upset and disturb you. So you may what to ask yourself the question:

What are the things that upset and disturb me? If small things have the power to disturb you, then who you think you are is exactly that: small. That will be your unconscious belief.

What are the small things? Ultimately all things are small things because all things are transient.

If you have been doing inner work for some time, a visit with your family is an excellent opportunity to discover how well you have done. You will easily identify the areas where you have made significant progress. You will also see where your weaknesses still lie. Ram Dass, the spiritual teacher, once said:

“If you think you are so enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” That is good advice. The relationship with your parents is not only the primordial relationship hat sets the tone for all subsequent relationships, it is also a good test for your degree of Presence. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.

Many who are on a path of awakening choose to avoid contact with their parents or family members. This can be helpful, if the intentions are truly good and not a pattern of avoidance.

Marnie, as you spend time with your family, don't expect that you will be the perfect embodiment of all you have learned and integrated. You will be put to the test day after day, moment by moment. This is normal. You will gain the most from this experience if you don't take it too seriously, if you don't create impossible standards for your conduct of behavior, if you try so hard to be Present and Still that you behave like a robot, if you withdraw into a cocoon of self-protection, or if you blame your family members for every little imperfect act from the past that harmed you in some way.

Instead, and above all, choose to relax, reduce your expectations for what may or may not happen, expect little skirmishes, disagreements, moments of humility or failure, and the distance you may feel with your family as a whole, knowing that you are trying to move beyond the ego patterns that have been impediments to your soul and that they care less about ego and Presence and even Truth.

Love and accept them where they're at. Have compassion for their pain. Be observant while being engaged as guilelessly as possible. Watch yourself and your reactions, out of curiosity, not judgment or blame, but for the benefit of learning how and where you're really at in your spiritual evolution.

Eckhart Tolle's Life and Teachings

Eckhart Tolle is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller The Power of Now (translated into 33 languages) and the highly acclaimed follow-up A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, which are widely regarded as two of the most influential spiritual books of our time.

The Spiritual Teacher and author was born in Germany and educated at the Universities of London and Cambridge. At the age of twenty-nine a profound inner transformation radically changed the course of his life. The next few years were devoted to understanding, integrating and deepening that transformation, which marked the beginning of an intense inward journey. Later, Eckhart began to work in London with individuals and small groups as a counselor and spiritual teacher. Since 1995 Eckhart has lived in Vancouver, Canada.

Eckhart's profound yet simple teachings have already helped countless people throughout the world find inner peace and greater fulfillment in their lives. At the core of the teachings lies the transformation of consciousness, a spiritual awakening that Eckhart sees as the next step in human evolution. An essential aspect of this awakening consists in transcending our ego-based state of consciousness. This is a prerequisite not only for personal happiness but also for the ending of violent conflict endemic on our planet.

Eckhart is a sought-after public speaker and teaches and travels extensively throughout the world. Many of his talks, intensives and retreats are published on CD and DVD. Most of the teachings are given in English, but occasionally Eckhart also gives talks in German and Spanish. In addition to The Power of Now and A New Earth, Eckhart has written a book designed for meditative reading entitled Stillness Speaks. A book consisting of selections from The Power of Now is also available, entitled Practicing the Power of Now .

Teachings of Eckhart Tolle

Tolle's non-fiction bestseller The Power of Now emphasizes the importance of being aware of the present moment as a way of not being caught up in thoughts of the past and future. Eckhart's later book A New Earth further explores the structure of the human ego and how this acts to distract people from their present experience of the world. It is the feeding of the human ego that is thought to be the source of inner and outer conflict. Only in examining one's ego may people begin to see beyond it and obtain a sense of spiritual enlightening or a new outlook on reality.

In Eckhart's view, the present is the gateway to a heightened sense of peace. Eckhart states that "being in the now" brings about an awareness that is beyond the mind, an awareness which helps in transcending the ego. The ego means here the false identification with forms and labels: body, mind, thoughts, memories, social roles, life-story, opinions, emotions, material possessions, name, nationality, religion, likes and dislikes, desires, fears, etc. If one is present, one recognizes oneself as the space of consciousness in which the thought or impulse arises. One doesn't lose the self in thought, nor does one become the impulse. Being present is being the space, rather than what happens. Eckhart says that the mind is to be used as a tool, but not let the mind use the person.

The "pain-body" is the emotional component of ego; it is created by the cumulation of suppressed emotions, the suffering of non-acceptance of what is. The size of "the pain-body" differs from person to person; it originates in the person's past conditioning, usually the early childhood.

Eckhart says that our true "identity" is the underlying sense of I Am, which is consciousness itself. Awareness of Being is self-realization and true happiness. Eckhart states that we people are very important, because we are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold.

Eckhart believes that all wanting implies that the future is more desirable than the present. As long as you want something, you are seeking to reach some point in the future that promises fulfillment. Thereby you are making the present moment as well as the other persons into a means to an end. You don't need future or future lives to find yourself, and you need to add nothing to you to find yourself.

Eckhart teaches that the New Testament contains deep spiritual truth as well as distortions, which are due to a misunderstanding of Jesus' teaching. Eckhart teaches that when you are present, you access your inner knowing and you will sense what is true and what was added on or distorted.

In Eckhart's view, love comes into existence when you know who you are in your essence and then recognize the "other" as yourself. It is the end of the delusion of separation, which is created by excessive reliance on thinking. This shift in consciousness for most people is not a single event but a process, a gradual dis-identification from thoughts and emotions through the arising of awareness.

Eckhart's Core Teachings

1. You are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind the thoughts. Thoughts are often negative and painful, yearning for or fearing something in the future, complaining about something in the present or fearing a matter from the past. However, the thoughts are not you; they are a construct of the ego. Awareness of your thoughts without being caught up in them is the first step to freedom.

2. Only the present moment exists. That is where life is (indeed it is the only place life can truly be found). Becoming aware of the "now" has the added benefit that it will draw your attention away from your (negative) thoughts. Use mindfulness techniques to fully appreciate your surroundings and everything you are experiencing. Look and listen intently. Give full attention to the smallest details.

3. Accept the present moment. It is resistance to the present moment that creates most of the difficulties in your life. However, acceptance does not mean that you cannot take action to rectify the situation you are in. What is important is to drop resistance so that you let the moment be, and that any action arises from deeper awareness rather than from resistance. The vast majority of pain in a person's life comes from resistance to what is.

4. Observe the pain-body. Years of conditioned thought patterns, individually and collectively, have resulted in habitual emotional reactions with an apparent personality of their own. During "pain-body attacks", we become completely identified with this "pain identity" and respond from its agenda -- which is to create more pain for ourselves and others. Observing the pain-body is awareness itself arising, as it allows humans to separate from this unconscious identification with pain.